The past few nights I have been sleeping less than usual. Not of my own choice. Not even because there is anything on my mind or bothering me. Yet still it happens. Monday night, awake at 1:30am after only three hours of sleep. Tuesday night, awake at 3:00am after only 4 ½ hours of sleep. Wednesday night, awake at 2:30am after only 3 ½ hours of sleep. I should mention that I am not one that gets a lot of sleep anyways; my typical night consists of about 5-6 hours and I seem to operate very well on that. I am a very early riser and typically up by 4:30am-5:00am. I love the still of the morning, the darkness, and having my alone time before the rest of the world even awakens or stirs with life. Peace, contentment, emptiness–in the best way!
But I am beginning to believe that this recent awakening in the wee hours before dawn has more to do with a gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit than it does with just random occurrences. I have finally resolved after it happening two nights in a row, that when it happens again, I will not lay there aimlessly for hours tossing and turning. I will get up, I will spend time in prayer and reading, and I will give that time to God. I think that is what He wants. I think that is what I want.
Several years ago, this same type of thig happened to me and I remember writing about it. I was in a season of my life where a lot of things were uncertain, shifting, and unsettled. I remember waking up around 3:30am every morning for over seven nights in a row. At that time, I did heed the nudge and spent that time with God. It helped. It grew my faith. It comforted my heart to know there was good being brought out of the drowsiness and confusion. The thing is, I am in another season of that same feeling: uncertain, shifting, unsettled. And here it is … happening yet again. What is it that the Lord wants with me in the wee hours of the morning? I already get up super early to spend time with Him. What is it that isn’t quite enough or that I am missing?
I have not adopted the same pattern of being obedient to the nudge this time around. I have continued to toss and turn and try to ‘make’ myself fall back asleep. What has happened in the days to follow? I am grouchy, I have migraines, I am insecure, I cry a lot, and I am overwhelmed and unhappy. There is no other way to put it. I have no joy, no motivation, and I am negative toward myself and my relationships. And then I sit here and get frustrated at having days like this. Well, it’s no wonder! Clearly God is trying to nudge my attention and I am still trying to go it in my own strength. So, what is happening? I am struggling. I am failing. I am spiraling downward. Why do we take the hard road, when Jesus is right by our side, begging with eyes welled up in tears for us to run to him so that he might deter us from this fate? We are human, we repeat patterns, and then we hate ourselves for doing it ‘again’ when we know better.
Nevertheless, here we sit. Angry. Frustrated. Hurt. Crying. Insecure. Jealous. Increasingly negative. And so very cruel toward ourselves in our words and thoughts…and unfortunately…often cruel to others without even realizing it. We cannot stay in this pit. We can only realize that we have fallen yet again, and get back up. AGAIN?!?! Yes, again and again and again and again. That’s the way it works. Until we are with Jesus face-to-face and walking in perfectness–then yes, again! If Jesus is giving you that gentle nudge in the before-dawn hours (or, perhaps, he is billowing through a blow horn and you still aren’t heeding the call), I urge you to take advantage of this to the depths of your ability–talk with him, read about him, journal to him. Just do something, anything, other than ignoring the nudge of night. Because that nudge of night is your Savior desperately seeing your attention in the silence. Don’t deprive him, or yourself, of this precious gift. Jesus is worth any cost. If a little sleep is all he asks, then he is more than deserving of that, and we are worthy of the blessing that time with him will bring. So sit with the Savior awhile … he is waiting.
Bloom In The Bible 